Some Spell Love S-K-I-N
Now we come to what some consider to be the hottest and the most “awkward” love language. The Love Language of physical touch. These views are partly because it is assumed that the love language of physical touch is limited to the sexual experience alone. While sex is certainly a significant aspect of the love language of physical touch it is not the totality of it. Let’s think about it together.
NOTE: Regardless of the message of current culture, our peers, societal acceptance, the media, purported experts, and personal experience, sexual relationships are intended to be expressed solely in the bonds of marriage between a man and a woman. I know that this sounds close-minded and antiquated, but this is my philosophy and understanding as a pastor, counselor, and follower of God’s Word. Therefore, the parts of this article dealing with sexuality are written with that view in mind—I don’t believe they will be effective outside of the Creator’s design for the physical intimate realization of love.
S is for Sex
While we understand that physical touch is not just sex, it is part of it. Sex is a critical aspect of marriage, and if your primary love language is physical touch then sex is a tremendous expression of love. If your spouse’s primary (or even secondary) love language is sex then you need to know that the act of giving yourself to them sexually communicates love in a clearer and more powerful way then your words ever would be able to.
Please understand, this love language and the sexual aspect of it doesn’t mean that he is perverted or a “dirty minded old man” any more than the love language of gifts means that he is greedy or the love language of acts of service means he is lazy. This isn’t about any sort of perversion, but about how to best express and receive love in your relationship.
K is for Kinetic
Kinetic is energy, specifically energy in motion. It reminds us that we need to be engaged in the act of loving and not just playing at it. Here’s what I mean. Suppose that a man whose primary love language is physical touch is married to a woman who had a different love language. When she realizes that his need is primarily physical touch to realize and receive love she may be less than enthusiastic. The Kinetic aspect of this means that there is energy and engagement involved. In other words, don’t just limply hold his hand, let him know you are there. Don’t just rub her neck in passing, spend some time and energy on it. The more engaged you are and the more energy you put into it the greater the communication of your love and presence.
I is for Interesting
The Love Language of Physical Touch is interesting because it is not just about sex, and that means that you can find other creative ways to communicate love—even with your clothes fully on. I remember the electricity that I felt the very first time that Andie held my hand, so much so that I celebrate that day every year and have for the past 26 years. I remember with great vividness the first kiss she gave me. To this day the feel of her hand in mine, the touch of her lips against mine…the simplicity of having her arm resting next to mine on the arm rest in our car…communicates closeness and intimacy to me.
Keep it interesting. For me this means being playful. I love tickling her. I like to sneak up on her and rub her shoulders as she is sitting in her chair. (Oh-one sure fire way to discover if your spouses love language is physical touch is to see if they are always trying to touch you somehow…we often use our love language to communicate love to the other person in the relationship.) So, hold hand, brush arms, rub shoulders, tickle knees, massage feet…touch and you can keep it interesting without it needing to be sexual.
N is for Neglect
I feel the need, given our sex-crazed culture and the number of marriages I have seen recently fall because of sexual infidelity to give this word of warning. Do not neglect each other physically. If your spouse’s love language is physical touch (by the way, this is usually viewed as limited to men, but women may also have this love language) and you neglect to utilize this love language in your relationship with them you will leave them with a craving…longing…thirst for that aspect of love. Left like that for long there will be great temptation to fulfill those needs in ways they were not intended to.
Remember, it’s not just about sex, but it does incorporate it. Centuries ago a man named Paul wrote the following that he could just as easily have been writing today:
1 Corinthians 7:2-5
2 But because of sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. 3 A husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. 4 A wife does not have authority over her own body, but her husband does. Equally, a husband does not have authority over his own body, but his wife does.
5 Do not deprive one another—except when you agree, for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Causes of and excuses for neglect are many. Children, work loads, time, illness, bitterness, history…etc. Please…please…please…Do not neglect each other. Honestly, do not neglect each other in any of these Love Languages we have looked at. Neglect will have disastrous consequences for your relationship.
There is a very helpful website for understanding and exploring the Five Love Languages. There is an online quiz to help you discover what your primary love language is. I encourage you to do this together. Also, if you don’t have it already, get the book and read it together. It will change your relationship for the best. There are companion books as well dealing with children, teens, and even workplace relations.
I hope that these brief articles have been helpful. Feel free to pass them along, share them, and use them. Let me know your thoughts as well.
May God Bless Your and Your Relationships Now and Always!