Some Spell Love S-K-I-N

Some Spell Love S-K-I-N

Now we come to what some consider to be the hottest and the most “awkward” love language.  The Love Language of physical touch.  These views are partly because it is assumed that the love language of physical touch is limited to the sexual experience alone.  While sex is certainly a significant aspect of the love language of physical touch it is not the totality of it.  Let’s think about it together.

NOTE: Regardless of the message of current culture, our peers, societal acceptance, the media, purported experts, and personal experience, sexual relationships are intended to be expressed solely in the bonds of marriage between a man and a woman.  I know that this sounds close-minded and antiquated, but this is my philosophy and understanding as a pastor, counselor, and follower of God’s Word.  Therefore, the parts of this article dealing with sexuality are written with that view in mind—I don’t believe they will be effective outside of the Creator’s design for the physical intimate realization of love.

S is for Sex

While we understand that physical touch is not just sex, it is part of it.  Sex is a critical aspect of marriage, and if your primary love language is physical touch then sex is a tremendous expression of love.  If your spouse’s primary (or even secondary) love language is sex then you need to know that the act of giving yourself to them sexually communicates love in a clearer and more powerful way then your words ever would be able to. 

Please understand, this love language and the sexual aspect of it doesn’t mean that he is perverted or a “dirty minded old man” any more than the love language of gifts means that he is greedy or the love language of acts of service means he is lazy.  This isn’t about any sort of perversion, but about how to best express and receive love in your relationship.   

K is for Kinetic

Kinetic is energy, specifically energy in motion.  It reminds us that we need to be engaged in the act of loving and not just playing at it.  Here’s what I mean.  Suppose that a man whose primary love language is physical touch is married to a woman who had a different love language.  When she realizes that his need is primarily physical touch to realize and receive love she may be less than enthusiastic.  The Kinetic aspect of this means that there is energy and engagement involved.  In other words, don’t just limply hold his hand, let him know you are there.  Don’t just rub her neck in passing, spend some time and energy on it.  The more engaged you are and the more energy you put into it the greater the communication of your love and presence.

I is for Interesting

The Love Language of Physical Touch is interesting because it is not just about sex, and that means that you can find other creative ways to communicate love—even with your clothes fully on.  I remember the electricity that I felt the very first time that Andie held my hand, so much so that I celebrate that day every year and have for the past 26 years.  I remember with great vividness the first kiss she gave me.  To this day the feel of her hand in mine, the touch of her lips against mine…the simplicity of having her arm resting next to mine on the arm rest in our car…communicates closeness and intimacy to me. 

Keep it interesting.  For me this means being playful.  I love tickling her.  I like to sneak up on her and rub her shoulders as she is sitting in her chair.  (Oh-one sure fire way to discover if your spouses love language is physical touch is to see if they are always trying to touch you somehow…we often use our love language to communicate love to the other person in the relationship.)  So, hold hand, brush arms, rub shoulders, tickle knees, massage feet…touch and you can keep it interesting without it needing to be sexual.

N is for Neglect

I feel the need, given our sex-crazed culture and the number of marriages I have seen recently fall because of sexual infidelity to give this word of warning.  Do not neglect each other physically.  If your spouse’s love language is physical touch (by the way, this is usually viewed as limited to men, but women may also have this love language) and you neglect to utilize this love language in your relationship with them you will leave them with a craving…longing…thirst for that aspect of love.  Left like that for long there will be great temptation to fulfill those needs in ways they were not intended to.

Remember, it’s not just about sex, but it does incorporate it.  Centuries ago a man named Paul wrote the following that he could just as easily have been writing today:

1 Corinthians 7:2-5
2 But because of sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. 3 A husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. 4 A wife does not have authority over her own body, but her husband does. Equally, a husband does not have authority over his own body, but his wife does.
5 Do not deprive one another—except when you agree, for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Causes of and excuses for neglect are many.  Children, work loads, time, illness, bitterness, history…etc.  Please…please…please…Do not neglect each other.  Honestly, do not neglect each other in any of these Love Languages we have looked at.  Neglect will have disastrous consequences for your relationship.



There is a very helpful website for understanding and exploring the Five Love Languages.  There is an online quiz to help you discover what your primary love language is.  I encourage you to do this together.  Also, if you don’t have it already, get the book and read it together.  It will change your relationship for the best.  There are companion books as well dealing with children, teens, and even workplace relations.

I hope that these brief articles have been helpful.  Feel free to pass them along, share them, and use them.  Let me know your thoughts as well.

May God Bless Your and Your Relationships Now and Always!


Some Spell Love G-I-F-T

Some Spell Love G-I-F-T

The next love language we will look at is getting gifts.  This isn’t to be confused with materialism or greed.  This is an actual time when the receiver of the gifts experiences love based on the thoughtfulness and effort behind the gift being given.  If this is your love language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. 

G is for Grace

Grace is one of those words that we say at a variety of times, often without fully understanding what we’re saying.  Literally grace is giving something that is not deserved.  What this means is that we don’t give these “love gifts” based on merit or performance, but just because we love.  My wife doesn’t have to earn these gifts, and I’m not giving them as a reward for certain behaviors.  If that is the case then it’s not really a gift, it’s more like a wage or reward. 

If you are married or in a relationship with someone who’s love language is receiving gifts it is important that those gifts not be tied to anything except your love, admiration, and appreciation of them.  Anything else will come across as shallow and self-serving.

I is for Informed

If your sweetheart’s love language is gifts then you want to be very careful not to just throw gifts together haphazardly.  One of the things we need to note is that these gift don’t have to be costly.  It’s more important that they are inventive rather than expensive.  Being aware of what your spouse appreciates is a good idea.  Here’s another example of blowing it big time:

We had been married for a short time when we celebrated our first Christmas together.  I thought I knew Andie pretty well and what she liked.  One time we had seen a nice aquarium in someone’s house and she commented on how nice it was.  I filed that away in my brain.  Come Christmas time I bought a complete aquarium kit and wrapped it up for her.  I figured I had really scored a goal.  I can’t really describe the look on her face when she opened my prize present to her.  It was a mixture of confusion, disappointment, and curiosity.  She had liked the aquarium we had seen, mostly because it was in someone else’s home and someone else had the responsibility of cleaning and caring for it.  She wanted no part of having an aquarium ourselves. 

Get informed by listening, watching, and asking.  Learn what the other person in your relationship really likes.  For example, now I know that Andie really likes a certain genre of books, so I know I’m pretty safe picking up a book by one of her favorite authors.  I know that she likes a certain style of clothing, so again, I’m pretty safe picking something like that out for her.  I know that she’s not really big on jewelry, so I don’t often get anything like that (and I’m grateful).

F is for Frequent

How often do you want to express your love for her?  Hopefully your answer is quite often.  If she is a gift person then look for ways to give gifts frequently.  Remember, they don’t have to cost much.  Really, the don’t have to cost anything.  They just need to express your love.  One of the simplest of gifts could be a hand written note—or get a little more creative and write a poem or short story. 

A few years ago I was pleasantly surprised to open up my lunch and find a note on a post-it from my wife.  It simply said, “Peanut Butter and Jelly is good for your Belly.”  I felt incredibly loved and appreciated—and this isn’t even my primary love language.  I really think that was the best PB&J sandwich I have ever eaten.

Because they don’t have to break the bank these gifts can be given daily, just be creative and sincere with them.

T is for Thought

It’s often been said that “it’s the thought that counts.”  There is much more truth in that simple slogan than we often afford it.  I have always found that the times I put more thought into the  gift the better the gift fits.  Like being informed, it’s important to think the gift through.  There is more to think about than the gift itself.  For example, handing a gift to a sweetheart in the middle of a messy diaper change might not be the best timing.  Think about it, when can the gift be given and most appreciated.

Another thing is to think about gifts that really express the amount of thought you have put into them.  Let your gift speak for you.  Here’s something I did that was the reverse of the aquarium fiasco of decades past.

A few Valentine’s Days back I bought a couple packs of 3×5 index cards, two binder rings, and some markers.  I spent several days prior to February 14th writing on the cards reasons I’m thankful that Andie is my Valentine.  On that day I gave her a stack of index cards clipped together with binder rings that contained 100 reasons why I love being hers.  That little stack of cards is still on her dresser.

So….like all the other Love Languages…there is a primary each person has, but all of these can be an expression of love for our beloved.  So make them a practice.